Christmas gift

My family completely surprised me this Christmas.

I had asked for a very expensive camera because I enjoy taking pictures but have had frustrations that my point and shoot camera wouldn't do MORE. I really wanted money to help pay for the camera.

I received several great presents last night as we were opening gifts. The last two gifts sent tears rolling down my face. The first was the Canon Rebel XS that I wanted. The last gift was the 70-300mm lens that I wanted but hadn't told anyone I wanted.

My brother in law found a great deal on the camera and extra lens combined. Now I need to find a case. Actually, I was looking for a case online this afternoon when I got home. I have marked the one I want on Amazon and next Thursday when I get paid, I'll be ordering it. It's awesome as it can hold the camera and stuff as well as a laptop, cell phone, water, keys, etc. So it will be my carry on bag when I travel (woohoo I won't worry about taking pictures in Greece this summer!)

I completely didn't expect this camera. Not after getting some great Pampered Chef stuff and ornaments, but I'm very thankful that I got this camera. The fun will ensue very quickly!!

The last few days have been weird for me. Work completely kicked my arse Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday was a blessed day compared to the previous two. It was a day that allowed the evening shift to relax for a while.

I spent part of my day with an arm that was on fire thanks to my ulnar nerve and carpal tunnel problems. I had my friend Tina lay hands on me. Literally. Tina is an awesome massage therapist and she worked on me last night during our down time. Right now, if you touched my arm I might smack you. The good news is that my arm is no longer numb. Tomorrow my skin won't hurt anymore. I would call it a miracle but the truth is that Tina is gifted when it comes to massage therapy.

I had a hard time breathing while she was working on me. Letting go and letting the muscles, tendons, and nerves release and go back into the spots they need to was hard. I cussed more than a bit. But I let go of more than the muscles, tendon, and nerve damage. I let go of some frustrations too. My pain and hurt from the past few weeks felt like it was draining out of my hands.

Appropriate

We all live with the scars we chose. They might hurt like hell but they all make us stronger.

"Take me as I am" sung by Sugarland

Day of Love

Today I have felt loved.

I wrote of my meltdown to my group. The love, comfort, and wisdom they have shared; the offering of themselves as moms was heart felt. I cried at work reading their beautiful words. I can't describe the feeling in me right now. It displaces all of the negative things I've been thinking about myself for the past few days. I feel lighter than I have in days.

I feel clean.

I feel loved.

I feel.

Moments of Perfection

I could have written tonight about my meltdown. Instead, I won't dwell on things that just bring me down, even if they are family.

Tonight, I watched "Julie and Julia." It was a cute movie. No, I don't have visions of retooling this blog to cooking (though I love to cook) nor will I become dedicated to cooking everything in Julia's original cookbook. But I might write more about my own culinary adventures. I write about food and my adventures and misadventures in the kitchen to the women in my web group.

The thing I loved about the movie was that Julie used her blog to move forward with her life. Even when she found out that Julia didn't approve of it, she kept it up. Because it was a positive aspect of Julie's life. Because Julie understood why she was doing what she did.

Now that I think about it, I don't even have one cookbook by Julia Child, though I do remember watching reruns of her tv show. What I have come to love about Julia is that she showed you that Everyone frak's up in the kitchen. That is okay to frak up in the kitchen.

Now that I think about it, why in the hell does Martha Stewart keep going like everything has to be perfect. That perfection is "a good thing." It isn't a good thing, it's an unobtainable goal! I think there are Moments of perfection. Maybe even days of perfection. But perfection every day, every meal, every party, every event, every moment of your life planned out and perfect?!?! Well my only thought is WTF???

My moment of perfection came tonight when I was driving home from Jane's party. I had dragged myself to it and it was a healing balm of fun and laughter. On the way home I crossed over the bridge, came down Carolina Beach road. When I reached Greenfield lake, I saw it. My moment of perfection. The fog was settling over the lake and the ducks were going back to the water after feeding on the worms in the grass. I almost stopped in the road to take the picture. I thought better of it since it is a 4 lane road with heavy traffic.

Instead, I whipped down a side street to park and walk back to the place I wanted to take pictures. On the screen, the pictures looked great. It was dusk and the fog was amazing. The type of amazing that makes you believe there is a higher power. The type of amazing that had our ancestors believing in spirits or god/desses. I changed the type of picture I was taking. I'm glad I did. The only 2 that turned out were the two in the different mode. The rest were just blobs of black.

Wandering thru the Forest

A friend described some thoughts as "Wandering thru the Forest."

It started me thinking about the forest I have around me. There seems to be two forests for me, one on the outside and one on the inside.

The outside needs some work, I haven't been walking since I took this picture last November. I see myself sleepwalking through my days at work. It feels like monotony for me, but it should not. It should feel like every day has the potential to be a fun, enjoyable day. And yet, I do nothing to help my days be what I want them to be. I do nothing to help me feel better physically. How do I do that to myself? What sort of self sabotage have I wrought on myself? How do I change it?

It is something I will be thinking on as the next couple of weeks pass.

My inner forest is different. I know where I am going when I am there. I know the paths, I run without fear of falling, I don't have a problem with my breathing. I am healthy and happy when I run in my inner forest. I run along the river, through the gates and along the beach. How do I transfer what I feel, the energy I give and get to my outer world? That is the question for me.

Winter comes to Wilmington